Payal Johri I left seeking something that I had lost long back April 10, 2018

“When you do things from your soul,
You feel a river moving in you
A joy…”

My mind had started deceiving me. I wasn’t able to control my mood swings anymore. My quality of work had reduced to lower levels. Too low. My concentration power had lost all its strength and was then wandering into dark spaces, and my soul had started to suffocate in my own body. I had become dark with absolutely putting in no effort to seek light.

Standing in front of the mirror I couldn’t recognize my own self; there was something about that reflection that made me look alienated to myself. I wasn’t happy. At all. I felt gloomy all the time. I felt nervous with a constant fear lurking and nagging me in and out. And the worst part was I didn’t know what I feared. I had no idea about it.

Was it my job? No! Were it my relationships? No! Was it money? No! What all was bothering me then?! It was nothing but myself.

A body which had grown apart from its own soul. But wanted freedom from this constant ache. I wanted freedom from my insecurities. I wanted freedom from that whirling tornado of cross contemplations. I wanted freedom. I craved it.

The sun rose to a promising day with the birds chirping the tunes to a delightful start, the winds playing gleefully with the trees; and there I was lying in the dark. A self-enforced darkness that restrained me seeing the good and the bright, which pulled me back from my fair share of happiness. Something was not right, I realised.

That is exactly when I called up my office to inform a colleague about my leave for the day. Having absolutely no thought, no idea and no plan on mind, I packed my bags and left home seeking something that I had lost long back, peace of mind.

“Respond to every call that excites your spirit.”
– Rumi

My response to the calling was my wandering unto nowhere, yet everywhere. And so began my journey to find and figure what I had been missing for so long; perhaps my own self.

High on the mountains, deep into the rivers, dense into the forests, among the balmy nights and those refreshing mornings, I tested myself again and again until I fell in love with myself all over again. You know that feeling of self-containment and contentment; exactly that was what I had won from all these constant wanderings of my own.

Sometimes in our efforts to give our best and excel in almost everything we do, we forget the most basic person that we need to live for: ourselves.

My solo meanderings to places unknown taught me the true essence of falling in love with oneself before committing to others in life. I was getting back a share of happiness.

That smell of the fresh pages of a book mixed with the petrichor of rains, that fragrance of a freshly brewed coffee complimenting the chirping of birds, that calming quietness of the mountains, that exhilarating vastness of seas, that softness of grass under the feet, that sweet nothings of the wind playing with hairs, that company of your own soul, that excitement of meeting new people, that courage to tackle all those unexpected troubles, that solitude, need I tell more. That solitude.

The true treasures of life are not the ones we seek sitting and nagging about how small we are in this big, big world.

I learnt. A lot. I discovered the meaning. That meaning, you know. Now I know one thing for sure, I’ll never be the same person again. Again, ever.

These wanderings have taught me enough to appreciate what’s really worth of my time and efforts in life. And, my emotions, and to my share of happiness.

“Stop the words now.
Open the window in the centre of your chest,
And let the spirits fly in and out…”

Have you unlocked that window locked since eternity in your chest? A lot to explore and uncover, just a little bit of desire is all you need. And a lot of surprises wait to come your way.

Avatar for Payal Johri

Words that best describe me: insane, fun-loving, ambitious, wanderer, a believer. Nothing can stop me from achieving what I want, and optimism and a perfect cup of coffee is what keeps me going, in the long run. I am a chirpy, affectionate, extrovert girl with a knack for writing, and firmly believe in making a difference through my words. Read, write, sleep, repeat, is the only mantra that I ceremoniously like to follow.

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