I roamed around like a lost child. I had no destination in mind. I was just hovering. It was like the soul had left my body, only I didn’t really know what it feels like when your soul leaves your body. My focused life was slowly blurring. And no more was in control of my feelings. Now, I look back and laugh at my stupidity. Because if it wasn’t for that breakup then I wouldn’t have realized the worth of myself.
Sara and I had been together for 10 years. Of course, it is a long time. We’d been childhood pals.
The love had bloomed with our bodies and mind. They say, girls are more mature than the boys, but here I was taking care of Sara who was still a child trapped in the body of a teenager. She was beautiful. And people (yes people, and not just young men and boys) were literally drawn to her and I had to shoo them away, every single time it happened when I was around.
How, I mean, how was she so charming? Where lay her charm? Just like ever, I was sitting on our balcony, we had adjoining balconies, like the old buildings in the city [Mumbai] mostly have. So I was just sipping my cup of coffee when she came, unaware of me, fresh, just out of shower.
Her long, black silken hair, hung loosely on her shoulders. She wore an oversized red t-shirt and grey leggings. Her cat-eye spectacle was sticking to her eyes and had turned foggy. Her dusky skin was shining like glitters of gold and a small smile that spread across her lips, the red tint she wore, took my breath away. I cursed myself then.
What was I doing all these years? Was I blind or just immune to her charm? I don’t know. But in that minute things had changed for good, certainly.
Days went by and though I willed, the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. We were so casual that I had started doubting my feelings. And then there was the other side, her feelings, I didn’t know what she felt about me. I would pick her up for college as usual and we would be home in time. Things started falling in place when once she dared and kissed my cheek. I was blown away. And then began our charade to convey our feelings via touch. Does that happen with others too?
But then came a point in our lives when we had enough of this touch-and-run game. So I decided to do the deed. I confessed my feelings to her. Yes, it was a cliché romance, accompanied with a date at a Chinese stall near our society and followed by an ice-cream, she loved hazelnut flavour then. I was expecting the reply but it wasn’t to come soon. She kept me waiting for days. My anxiety was rising like it was fever.
And then one day it happened….
From school to college to work life, we had stuck together. I was planning on making a career as a chartered accountant and she wanted to complete her media studies. She kept pestering me to join her office as an intern but the two streams are poles apart, you know? How could I? So we went ahead living our own lives. Being loyal and loving to each other, meeting up when we could, sometimes it was the passage of our flats or the terrace of our building. On Sundays, we’d go out for lunch and dinner.
Our parents had sure got a whiff of our relationship because that’s why my mother broached the topic of our marriage with Sara’s mother. Upon hearing from her mother Sara was aghast. She was fuming and she marched down to the entrance of the society where I was sitting with my friends.
“How dare you?” she yelled. She seemed so not like herself.
“How dare you what?” I was confused!
“How dare you presume that I was going to marry you? I, Sara Bansal, the future face of Indian media, and you, a local CA. How dare you?”
I was taken aback. Where had this come from? Yes, I knew she had bagged an offer from CNN but that’s that. Our love life was on a different plane, wasn’t it?
That led to our breakup, her arrogance. As for me, I was left broken. I became friends with alcohol and cigarettes. I was losing the grip of my life. My parents were worried. They even went to the extent of calling counsellors at home. We moved to another part of the town, away from Sara and her family. Still, no improvement was shown. Of course, I hadn’t met Sara or spoken to her ever since that day. I wasn’t in need of her or was crying over the loss. I was just sorry for myself. I couldn’t clear the second and the third level exams of CA, I had earned negative markings.
I was so frustrated with everything. There came a point in my life when I tried poisoning myself. But I didn’t really have the guts to. Why? I saw a picture hanging on the wall of my room. That picture was one joyous moment in my life, with my family. We all were so happy that day, the four of us, me, my younger brother, Jatin, maa and paa, we all were so happy that we were on a photo clicking spree. We pouted and we made funny faces. That’s how it was, the picture hanging on the wall. It was the collage of those moments and the subsequent memories that came flooding, had stopped me from gulping the vile drink.
It was difficult to cope with this new realization but I tried hard. It wasn’t just alcohol and smoking I was giving up. I was giving up my feelings too, or perhaps they were just specks of memories I was trying to wipe out. How had I retreated so much in life?
No, I wouldn’t go to a rehab. I bought myself some self-help books, opened up the web and looked up for some solutions. But there were other therapies that worked best for me.
I indulged myself. I took sabbatical from work and studies. I went on a shopping spree. Hey, shopping isn’t meant for ladies alone. Men, too have necessities. I was exploring and expanding my world at the same time. I had become acquainted with the men’s fashion so much that I soon began a blog. My niche was such that that blog has gained international recognition.
When I wasn’t writing blogs, I was reading novels. I would often add them up on my social media. That’s how I became a social media influencer and a book blogger. Reading effortlessly transported me to a magical land.
I started drawing, well, not precisely. I began scribbling and soon filling up colour in those adult colouring books. They say, colours and drawing can sooth your complicated nerves and that’s how it was. It truly helped my case.
I had decided to give myself a year’s time to recover from this love sickness. The result had started showing. My mind was being occupied and I was getting paid for my hobbies, what else would you want from life? However, it wasn’t overnight that I became famous and rich; everything was unfolding one at a time. Buds were blooming slowly. My mind was unfurling a side of me which I hadn’t known still.
If I wasn’t blogging, drawing or reading, I was helping maa in the kitchen, baking and cooking. I never learnt to cook, though. But I tried. Everything happens after trials and errors. This was one such phase for me. But again, cooking did put me at ease.
The bonding in our family grew stronger. We were once again the lot from that picture collage.
Soon, my blogging and social media were taken to another level when I started my YouTube channel. Within six months, I had garnered over 50,000 subscribers and over one million views from my channels.
I wasn’t going to stop at that. I had to, however, stop this maniac we face after breaking up and that’s why I announced on my channel that I would be giving phone counselling to those in need.
My job isn’t really a job. I have been doing this for the past 5 years. My channel is prospering, my blog is prospering; I have travelled to 4 countries so far. I am helping young men and women to deal with their grief such as breakups. As for Sara? I never saw her name flash even once on the TV screen.
My therapies weren’t really out of the box but they certainly helped me deal with my strangled emotions. Rehabilitation centre could have been an option but my willpower stopped me. I wanted to change things all by myself. I had chosen to ruin my life, I was to straighten it.
Now, that’s my breakup and makeup story. Well, I would like to know, what was the best thing you did after your breakup if you had one, although I wish you didn’t have one!
Hey, there? This article has been picked to be republished under the ‘Picks’ series. It is a step further for the content to be contagious to make it counted yet again and for the ones who missed it!
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This engineer-turned-media pro aims at engineering creativity. A dreamer, she's out in this world to win hearts and sell smiles for free! If there's a man draped in funny-looking purple robe, she'll write about it. If you have one ear on either side of your face, she'll write about that too. She loves expressing so much that she often reads out to empty rooms and yells, "I know you're listening!" Her love for expressions, Bollywood and romance is truly undying, unconditional and unapologetic!