Aekta Khubchandani Anywhere, But Here October 22, 2015

She whispered, “People are going to see us. They’ll see us together. They’ll see me with you.” I loved her whispering to me, it ate up most of the space between us.

How innocent can she be? I want to tell her how beautiful her eyes are and how they shine under the moonlight. I want to play with her long hair and kiss her forehead, but I smile and grab her tight. Then, I tell her, “Now, no one is going to see you or us. You’re covered.” Cuddling with her that way, is going to make every one look at us but, I wanted to see her blush and cover her face (maybe with mine).

Even if I had together with you,
Time would be less
For me to tell you
How much I love you.

We were together, so wrapped in one another that I wanted to pause time. I wanted to feel her presence longer and I wanted us to last longer. And, at times she was so talkative. I always told her, “You’re different with me, you’re better with me, you are less shy and you are more you.”

I was so engrossed in my thoughts of ‘us’ when she broke the silence saying, “Listen! Our heartbeats are synchronized. Can you hear it?”

“No, I can’t. (Hahahaa) That’s the thing with me. I hear less, I smell less and feel less. All my senses are so screwed up.”

“I think that’s amazing! You feel less. You’re blessed. I think that’s the best thing that can happen to anyone.”

Her words echoed in my ears and I knew what she said was not true. I felt, heard and smelt less but, I’ve never felt the way I feel for her. I want to tell her but, I don’t want to either. Maybe she just knows by the way I look at her.

She loved black and she loved magic. She used to call me her magician and tell me about how good I look, in black. So, here I am, for her in black clothes hoping I can do some sort of magic to bring her back. But, magic happened only because she believed in me. And, now that she has gone all my magic has gone too. What would I anyway use it for? I just want her to believe in me to get her back here.

She showed me stars on a dark night, she told me how the Moon shone bright. Today is a dark day and it’ll be a dark night but how will I spot the stars without her sight?

I’ve cried too much and I can’t cry any more. If she’s here, I wonder what would she be wanting or looking at me for? I feel her presence right now even though I should feel her absence. Maybe this is all because she was “Sadness” and I was “Happiness.”

We were always together and we always spoke about goodbye. And, today we aren’t together and maybe, I’m here for our last goodbye…

I don’t like where we are today. I don’t like that I didn’t get a chance tell her how much I loved her. I don’t like our last goodbye. She always said, “Ours would be her favourite funeral,” and somehow life and death cheated and played me over.

I’m sure she’ll like her funeral. I’m sure she’ll be seeing me here and she’ll get a chance to see me when I won’t ever get to see her. I would want to be anywhere, but here.

Even if I had together with you,
Time would be less
For me to tell you
How much I love you.

Smoking is nice. It doesn’t make me like where I am today but it’s nice. Smoking is nice. I still can’t get her out of my head and that’s maybe because I haven’t tried enough. I remember how she didn’t like me smoking but never told me anything about it. She knew about my chest pains and black lungs. And, all she said, “I’m good with whatever you’re good with, but I don’t want your lungs to hurt, I wish there was a way to make this pain stop in some way.”

Now, that I think about it, our memories and thoughts of her pain more than my black lungs. To feel her presence and absence at the same time, it’s tough. I don’t like it here. I would want to be anywhere, but here.

Two weeks passed. I’ve stopped thinking and reacting. I’ve stopped existing in ways I know of. But, this can change tonight. Maybe, just maybe. From side to side, I move. I curve my hands in waves and clap and turn around. I’m blinking my eyes, hallucinating and clapping hoping for magic to happen.

Reality hits me. It hits me harder than it hits anyone. I’m fading but I exist, I’m nothing but bones and meat. And, if I think more about this, I’m going to dig myself a grave and make myself at home. So, I play some music and dance along, imagining her to be in my arms, our hands and bodies touching each other to infinity.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.
I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

It’s our goodbye song. It’s the one we last made out to. Can she feel me like how I can feel her? I don’t know if this song is our last song. I don’t know if this is our last dance and our last chance. But, she’s with me and I’m with her. We’re together.

The door bell rings and I remember I don’t like it here. I would want to be anywhere, but here. Maybe, just maybe… this is my next chance.

Avatar for Aekta Khubchandani

A doodle artist, a basketball player and a crow lover. She has her mind travelling to places unknown but, she loves to physically travel too. For her, good food and good coffee are therapy. She also believes in magic. Her life rotates around hallucinations, dreams and visions. And, she likes to see things differently.

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