Payal Johri Those Backspaces February 19, 2018

“Spacing, backspacing were a way of life now.
Persisting and resisting were on my mind now.”

Becoming a writer was my one and only dream since the day I actually learnt about the essence of dreams. I wanted the world to hear my voice through my words. Didn’t particularly want to bring any sought of revolution but wanted to express and influence. Today I’m 23 and my dreams are still intact, goals and targets are set, timeline is fixed, but the path is indecisive…

Blogging was her best mate when it came to venting and expressing because it made her feel well-pleased and contented to the core of her heart. It was such connecting with the world as her mind was connected to her soul. The feedback and responses gave her a desired push to keep writing and keep learning. Keep venting. Keep expressing.

What started as a hobby once soon had transformed into a passion. A passion she wasn’t sure could turn into a profession.

The trees look greener than ever, the skies look clearer than ever, the sun shines its brightest probably; everything around me looks just as normal as any other day, I feel like, I feel so. Maybe it’s just in my head, it’s the people around me, or maybe being confused is really an abnormality…”

Survival and perseverance have always been the key to survival in this crooked world, two shots of addictives that could blind a person to believe in the unbelievable. A theory if applied to one’s practical life, could actually manipulate their own beliefs.

But her beliefs were different because her dreams, aspirations and expectations were different. She was very different. She believed in the unusual. She believed in herself. She believed in her confusions. But she too had bad days.

Somebody asked me today, what I wanted to be, and I just stared at them looking blank having absolutely no answer to back up my usual confident face. It got me perplexed. I froze in my place questioning my own abilities, my plans, my ambitions and all my past futuristic theories. My existence soon blurred out and my perceptions started fading away. Was I really unambitious and unprepared? I questioned myself.”

Walking through shortcomings and getting over her failures had always been one of her core strengths but these were the days that got her thinking again. The universe only creates spaces for those who’re not afraid to backspace. And she wasn’t the one to give up at any cost in any way.

She believed in herself and she believed in her confusions more than she believed in what the world had to say.

So what if I also want to try my luck at modelling, writing, or maybe anchoring, for that matter! So what if I think I have it in me to do it all and do it with the same passion?! So what if I haven’t figured out what I want to do with my life exactly till now?! So what if I choose myself before I choose people’s opinions about me?! All of it together makes me, ME.”

Sometimes people learn from their own mistakes; mistakes that lead them to assurance, mistakes that lead them to convictions, mistakes that shape them for a better future. Getting your hands in more than one field is only a matter of choice, a choice that has the potential to open up the gate unto one’s realisations and aspirations.

And after all, being confused is just your mind’s way to indicate that it holds a lot more potential than your actual approach. It’s fierceness, it’s vividness and it’s resistance to be satisfied with just that one hobby and aspiration which sum up as your personality.

To crux it up, confusion is not just a state of mind but a process unto development, a process unto moulding, a process unto perfection; a perfection only derived through thorough trials followed by errors and some more trials followed by some more errors.

My mistakes moulded me into a person I am today. I owe everything that I am today to my mistakes because nobody knows me the way my mistakes do. Sometimes I feel that my miscalculations and my misapprehensions understand me the way not even my parents could have understood me.”

With my confusions surrounding me I was still at ease because my contemplations and confusions never judged me as a clueless person incapable of judging what I want to be in my life. For the society, things eventually summed up on getting me married because I was a girl incapable of deciding one path sufficient enough to earn my living from.”

“And dooms fall for you if you are a guy because you are expected to earn a living not only for your own self but for everyone dependent on you, more importantly, expecting from you. Initially, these thoughts and these views disturbed me, it forced me to doubt my own abilities but today everything is changed because my way of thinking is changed.”

It has changed me completely, leaving me as a better person. I’ve grown as a better person, more or less, a balanced person.

I don’t doubt myself anymore but take all that pride in the fact that I’ve learnt from my mistakes and it is me who has actually shaped myself and not the society.”

Making choices and following them as a way of life are two very different things; things that only a rebellious soul can actually think of doing, but at the end of the day, it is your very calling.

The way one’s struggles and tribulations make a person understand, nobody does. Nobody! It is that defines you. At the end of the day, all that matters is you, both as a person and as a struggle!

Your own story awaits you, and the world will look up to your story. And the world will find you. There’s that key to it, after all, those backspaces.

Words that best describe me: insane, fun-loving, ambitious, wanderer, a believer. Nothing can stop me from achieving what I want, and optimism and a perfect cup of coffee is what keeps me going, in the long run. I am a chirpy, affectionate, extrovert girl with a knack for writing, and firmly believe in making a difference through my words. Read, write, sleep, repeat, is the only mantra that I ceremoniously like to follow.

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