Nowhere, But Here

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“People are going to see us. They’ll see us together. They’ll see me with you.”

He looked into my eyes and smiled and grabbed me tight. (To be in his arms was a feeling of fullness. It defined the word, ‘complete.’) Then, he said, “Now, no one is going to see you or us. You’re covered.” And, I dug my face in deeper and smiled wider.

Even if I had together with you,
Time would be less
For me to tell you
How much I love you.

We were together, wrapped in one another.

“Listen! Our heartbeats are synchronized. Can you hear it?”

“No, I can’t. (Hahahaa) That’s the thing with me. I hear less, I smell less and feel less. All my senses are so screwed up.”

“I think that’s amazing! You feel less. You’re blessed. I think that’s the best thing that can happen to anyone.”

Black is a magical colour. It hides you, your face and your emotions. But, humans are so stupid. They’re doing it all wrong. People care less and laugh louder (in their heads) at a funeral. They have eyes on all others and food. They go to places for the wrong reasons and wear a face that says that they have the right intentions. But, I see through all of it. I can see through every human body, I can see the colour of their heart and the dust glazed on their soul.

My eyes don’t take time to find him. He’s there in the crowd and he looks as good as he used to be, with me. He looks good without me, too. He’s wearing black and I fail to read him and for some reason, I don’t want to study him. The more I know about him, the more I’ll wander and I’ll unintentionally make this tough for him. I just don’t know if he’s going to feel my absence enough to miss me or he would happily move on?

We were always together and we always spoke about goodbye. And, today we aren’t together and he’s here for our last goodbye.

But, I like where we are today. I like how he hides his emotions from me. I like how he’s worn black, for me. He’s here for me. This is my funeral and he misses me, his eyes tell me that. I like it here. I like it nowhere, but here.

Even if I had together with you,
Time would be less
For me to tell you
How much I love you.

He is smoking right now and I remember this conversation when I thought he was more into his cigarette than he was into me.

With a cigarette in his hand, he said, “This is mine.”

To which I asked him, “Can I say that you are mine?”

He looked at me with promising eyes and said, “Well, that’s not even a question.”

I said what I knew. “At least, for now.”

He told me that he wanted to sleep by my side, just keep his body behind mine and hug me from the back and wake up in hell together. But, look where we are today. He is smoking right now in front of me and I think he is more into his cigarette than he is into me. But, now I won’t know. I won’t know for sure, unless I start looking and connecting. But, does he want that? Is it worth a try?

But, to see him… to see him and be so close, I like it here. I like it nowhere, but here.

Two more weeks have passed and I’ve given up on trying to find out what he feels about me. At the same time, I can’t stop seeing him, I can’t stop being around him. I know what this means for him and for me. I know what this means for us but, I’m keeping my distance and I will never do him any harm. An unsatisfied soul is a dark shadow, but I’m his dark blessing. I’ve taken an oath to keep him safe from others and myself.

I’m sitting by his window and admiring him. He’s busy moving and dancing to some music I cannot hear. He moves his hands in waves and claps and turns around. I remember him doing this too. He’s doing all of this, again but this time, without me. Then, he plays a song and he dances like he’s daydreaming. He comes close to me and asks me my hand to dance with him. My hand is in his and I can feel the slightest of it. I can feel his hand on my waist and we get closer as the lyrics proceed.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.
I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.
I’d be the father of your child.
I’d spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,
And I love you, I swear that’s true.
I cannot live without you.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.
I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.
I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

It’s our goodbye song. It’s the one we last made out to. Can he feel me like how I can feel him? I don’t know if this song is our last song. I don’t know if this is our last dance and our last chance. But, he’s with me and I’m with him. We’re together. And, I like it here. I like it nowhere, but here.

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Aekta Khubchandani

A doodle artist, a basketball player and a crow lover. She has her mind travelling to places unknown but, she loves to physically travel too. For her, good food and good coffee are therapy. She also believes in magic. Her life rotates around hallucinations, dreams and visions. And, she likes to see things differently.

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