Ayush Garg Anatomy Of Crisis Of A “Grade-A” Brain July 12, 2015

“You can finish his novels in an hour, and that’s the maximum time you could give reading to his lethargic-lusty-low grade novels.”

How does it feel to be a top grade student in higher secondary get admitted at IIT-Delhi and then way step ahead being an alumnus of IIM-A? I’ve fallen down on the first point and the other two are more brilliant, say one above the other. The story doesn’t end here, it all has started from there, he then joined Goldman Sachs as an Investment Banker in Hong Kong, worked there nearly for a decade then came back to India and relaunched himself as a Novelist and within few years became “the biggest selling English language novelist in India’s history” cited by The New York Times. The story doesn’t end here too, he also became the script & screenplay writer for Bollywood genre films, grabbed awards and nowadays, seen judging a Dance Reality Show and calls himself a motivational speaker as well. In one life, what more you can ask for, Am I right? Doesn’t it look like one Movie Script? Hell, No.

With tears apart, the story doesn’t end here too, he also writes columns for Times of India and Dainik Bhaskar newspapers. In one word, the Godman himself, I guess more than the Nirmal Baba but yes, have to say less than Aasaram Bapu yet, I hope one day he would also take over him. Right now, after writing all these achievements, it caused a headache to me, sigh! Now, I guess, could confirm also, that you’ve recognised the man, yes it’s the legend “Sir Chetan Bhagat,” whose sarcasm didn’t get by everyone, but a very few intelligent brain like Derek O’Brien. Goosebumps!

I used to follow him on Twitter, I’ve read two of his novels, watched two movies which were inspired from his novels, even attended one of his motivational seminars, and the man aspires to do more, a lot more in one life. And One Love? Not confirmed yet. But a sad news, for me, this all ended up yesterday morning, when I read his column in the Times Of India, which was titled as “Anatomy of an internet troll: How social media birthed a strange new phenomenon in India, the bhakts.

Since yesterday morning, there were a frequent number of trolls against him on Twitter, which haven’t yet stopped which took my eye to read that article. Why such a chaos? What all has he written which is causing such an outrage on Social Media? For an instance, one thing to be noticed that TOI marked his name under the category (privilege) “Underage Optimist,” maybe this is also a type of sarcasm via TOI which I didn’t get it by the way, even I didn’t get the whole sought of meaning of his article, what all he tried to say through the glimpse of trolling note (tbh, it’s no satire, not even 1%) put over the Bhakts.

Well, he’s Chetan Bhagat when he’s writing, he must be writing some good, after all he’s also a motivational guru. But! He’s lost it this time. He’s shown the real face of himself, basically his barometer varies from 0.00001% Males to Females, Females to Females, 99.99% Females to Him and 100% of Chetan Bhagat to 100% of Females. With no doubt, I could say that he’s really an Underage Optimist after going through his novels to what all he says (directly to indirectly) to every single note of his recent article, in other words, Overage Pessimist, sorry couldn’t able to find “a more perfect” synonym to it.

Dear Chetan Bhagat, does this offend you? If so, read your worthy article once again, it offended me and all no-stereotype people, it caused a sudden outburst of emotions and yes, I haven’t overcome my thoughts by saying “it’s a sarcasm” like you. I have a small question for you: Who gave you the idea of those four points which are deplorable, depraved & dead, wait, you will understand like this “DDD”? So, guys, he says that Bhakts are the new strange phenomenon arising from Social Media. Bhakts, big word mayne, applauds for nicely insulting this word.

See, everyone has his/her opinion to support and favour one political party but that doesn’t mean you criticize every single thought of them if you’re not supporting them, even if you look at them with bloodthirsty eyes. For now, I am a bit worried for you that whom do you support since yesterday? Because till yesterday you’re backing every single thing of BJP very proudly and then you insulted its followers maintaining full of curiosity with a deceiving writeup. I’ve never had a thought that this would be your way to go viral on Social Media, count my point, it’s too bad, you will also be the first English language novelist trolled whole day-whole night long on Social Media, contributed more than 50K tweets to your name. Very well deserved.

Let’s come to your four eye-catching notes, must be the sticky notes in your mobile since the day you took admission in IIT and before that, a big LOL, ROFL & in your words, LMAO, in more of your words LM”F”AO, okay, done. Now, tighten your seat belts and sit on the toilet seat, here I go:

1) They are almost all male.

2) They have weak communication skills, particularly in English. This in turn leads to a bit of an inferiority complex, of not being cool or sophisticated enough in a fast changing, globalizing world.

3) They are generally not good at talking to women. As a result, they are unlikely to know how to behave with them or woo them. They do desire women, but can’t get them. In other words, if I may say so, they are sexually frustrated with no way of getting it.

4) There is an over-riding sense of shame about being Hindu, Hindi speaking and/or Indian. Deep down they know that Hindi-speaking Hindus are among India’s poorest.

And now, ending up these four HIGH-END ZEAL points, with one more of his note that “To hide this shame, they over-compensate in terms of chest-beating nationalism.” There you go mayne, oh forgot to ask, do you also need toilet papers? Come on, at least say yes this time to wipe off tears from your face.

A revert to these four points, the thoughts provoke in my head according to his brain are:

1) Why should boys have all the fun? Very important, women empowerment could get affect from this?

2) Why don’t we migrate to English as our national language? For accent, the ministry will ask you whether British accent would be preferable or American, by the way, these days Australian accent is so in trends, and American Express is not offering calling jobs to engineering graduates.

3) Are you trying to say that Tinder, Hot or Not or Happn are not of worth using Apps? And we have got so many matrimonial and dating sites as well. And I read somewhere that the girlfriend of Founder of Match.com dumped him for the guy she met on the same portal. How cool is that?

4) Mukesh Ambani is a Hindu and I find it Offensive. Oh sorry! He knows English. Chinese people, are you listening to our legend? Drop Chinese language and join the league otherwise you can become an under-developed nation and could be counted among the poorest. Oh! Now I get the shit that had happened with Greece.

Chetan Bhaijaan, I’ve many more queries running in my head, better let me know your E-mail address and pardon me, I will not ask in brief.

Yes, you, 3-Idiots ventured storyteller, just keep your nonsensical thoughts in your head only, and don’t even try to judge any one depending upon these four so-so-so-so (where’s the infinity sign?) silly points. Better keep it in your wallet, maybe next time this could help you to write one more best-selling novel, which somehow helps you to gear-up your Wikipedia profile at least.

And on the last note, readers, I will not leave you like this only, in an interview with IBNLive, Chetan Bhagat has quoted that “My wife Anusha was so cute that many guys in campus wanted to try their luck with her.” Oh finally, he has got the KICK. Congrats!

With no pun intended, Get Well Soon, Bhagat!

Content Developer. Strategist. (A true) Startup Enthusiast. A kind of a guy who relies on analysis, and writes to spoil the masks. A threat to humor, if one liners could kill. Twitter: @profylayush.